March.11.2013

I think I've figured it out. I think I do this thing when things get good I try to screw them up. I'm just so used to being unhappy my emotions don't quite know how to handle it. Sometimes I get down on myself, and sometimes I push him away just because I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't understand how much I am trying to change, be better, do better. He's trying but I am not making it easy for him, I need to stop taking everything so personally. I need to understand he's not going to hurt me, he isn't going anywhere.

I love this kid. I do. He's good for me, good to me. We have our bumps in the road, but everyone does. Long distance isn't easy. No one said it was, but I know we are gonna get through it.

Its weird, the fact that we both have different lives, we go out with people that the other doesn't know and create memories that the other isn't going to be a part of. But we are young, we gotta live each day making memories, having fun. We are going to be together for many years to come, and we are going to be creating those memories for the rest of our lives. But I want to look back at my 20s and be like yea I lived my life, I was young, I partied, I met people I had fun. I don't want regrets.

This relationship is weird. I've never done anything like it before. I've never loved someone like this. 2 years ago I would have easily cheated on this guy many many times, that's just the person I was. I was scared, I was confused, I was hurt, people change. This guy has made me such a better person.

I am proud of myself. I actually love myself. I can go out with my (guy) friends and not worry about doing anything dumb with guys or guys hitting on me or whatever because they know me. I can go out, dance, drink and have a great night and come home and call my boyfriend without hiding anything. Long distance is hard. But I think this long distance-ness is going to make us stronger in the long run, its going to make the time we spend together more amazing.

I just need him to know I love him, and need him to know I'm not going anywhere. It's weird how things over the years change, and it's weird how everything happens for a reason. If I didn't break up with this kid in high school, I don't think years down the road we would be back together. Life would have been so different and I don't think I would be as happy as I am today.