February.22.2013

I guess it's been a while since I've written. Its not as though nothing has happened, in fact, I feel like within the past year of not writing I have completely lost myself, but also found myself.

But I don't plan on talking about that right now, I have a question for you.

At what point do we decide that love is enough and we should stop doing the things in life that we want to do? Well, not all the things, but I mean the outrageous ones that you promised yourself you would do before you die, but can't do them with your partner. At what point are those things forgotten? At what age should this start? Frankly, I feel as though I am too young to give up my freedom, but if it was the chose of having that freedom and losing the man I love, or having the man I love for the rest of my life but always having regrets.

I told myself a few years ago to never have regrets. And now at my young age I am already having them because I know being in love somethings aren't possible. I am also wondering what love really is. I thought love was making memories with the person that makes you the happiest in love, and one day maybe having kids with that man. Creating life, creating a family based off love. But at what point does love need to be titled? Need to have a ring, and a wedding, and money down the drain while your 2nd cousin twice removed hits on your new sister in law. Why isn't love enough. Why as a society do we need to label everything and make everything more complicated? People who get married do it for more than the reason of just being in love. Me. I just want to say forever to someone and have them know that I mean my whole heart for my whole life.

I just want things to be simple.

And I know they aren't, and I know life is complicated and blah blah blah.  But I also know that we can chose on how complicated our lives turn out to be. We are in charge of our futures, our destiny relies on the choices we make and the person we turn out to be resembles the people we decide to associate our time with.

All I have written about in the past is looking up and staying positive. That is really a tough thing to do. It really is a day to day thing. Being medicated helped a lot. But I lost some of my feelings while trying to get better. So I have stopped taking my pills and am trying to figure my shit out on my own. Well, I'm not on my own, I have family and friends who love and support me. But I am the only one understanding what I am going through. Some day are harder than others, some places are tougher to experience than others, but I think I can do it. I think I have become strong enough that I can deal with whatever life hands my way. I know I'm going to be emotional, I'll have my ups and downs. But in the end I'll be okay.

I think at this point in my life, I gotta stop over thinking things. I gotta just live for the moment. I have to stop taking life so seriously.