I say bring it on life.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
March.12.2013
Today I accomplished a lot. I did a lot of good things, and I am happy with my life. I think our happiness comes from within ourselves and we shouldn't count on other people to make our happiness. We do need people in our lives that make us happy, but the root of our happiness shouldn't come from other people. What we do should make us happy, every experience we should take in and make it count. Life is short, each day only comes around once, so make it a day worth remembering.
Positive outlook, positive outcomes.
Positive outlook, positive outcomes.
Monday, March 11, 2013
March.11.2013
I think I've figured it out. I think I do this thing when things get good I try to screw them up. I'm just so used to being unhappy my emotions don't quite know how to handle it. Sometimes I get down on myself, and sometimes I push him away just because I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't understand how much I am trying to change, be better, do better. He's trying but I am not making it easy for him, I need to stop taking everything so personally. I need to understand he's not going to hurt me, he isn't going anywhere.
I love this kid. I do. He's good for me, good to me. We have our bumps in the road, but everyone does. Long distance isn't easy. No one said it was, but I know we are gonna get through it.
Its weird, the fact that we both have different lives, we go out with people that the other doesn't know and create memories that the other isn't going to be a part of. But we are young, we gotta live each day making memories, having fun. We are going to be together for many years to come, and we are going to be creating those memories for the rest of our lives. But I want to look back at my 20s and be like yea I lived my life, I was young, I partied, I met people I had fun. I don't want regrets.
This relationship is weird. I've never done anything like it before. I've never loved someone like this. 2 years ago I would have easily cheated on this guy many many times, that's just the person I was. I was scared, I was confused, I was hurt, people change. This guy has made me such a better person.
I am proud of myself. I actually love myself. I can go out with my (guy) friends and not worry about doing anything dumb with guys or guys hitting on me or whatever because they know me. I can go out, dance, drink and have a great night and come home and call my boyfriend without hiding anything. Long distance is hard. But I think this long distance-ness is going to make us stronger in the long run, its going to make the time we spend together more amazing.
I just need him to know I love him, and need him to know I'm not going anywhere. It's weird how things over the years change, and it's weird how everything happens for a reason. If I didn't break up with this kid in high school, I don't think years down the road we would be back together. Life would have been so different and I don't think I would be as happy as I am today.
I love this kid. I do. He's good for me, good to me. We have our bumps in the road, but everyone does. Long distance isn't easy. No one said it was, but I know we are gonna get through it.
Its weird, the fact that we both have different lives, we go out with people that the other doesn't know and create memories that the other isn't going to be a part of. But we are young, we gotta live each day making memories, having fun. We are going to be together for many years to come, and we are going to be creating those memories for the rest of our lives. But I want to look back at my 20s and be like yea I lived my life, I was young, I partied, I met people I had fun. I don't want regrets.
This relationship is weird. I've never done anything like it before. I've never loved someone like this. 2 years ago I would have easily cheated on this guy many many times, that's just the person I was. I was scared, I was confused, I was hurt, people change. This guy has made me such a better person.
I am proud of myself. I actually love myself. I can go out with my (guy) friends and not worry about doing anything dumb with guys or guys hitting on me or whatever because they know me. I can go out, dance, drink and have a great night and come home and call my boyfriend without hiding anything. Long distance is hard. But I think this long distance-ness is going to make us stronger in the long run, its going to make the time we spend together more amazing.
I just need him to know I love him, and need him to know I'm not going anywhere. It's weird how things over the years change, and it's weird how everything happens for a reason. If I didn't break up with this kid in high school, I don't think years down the road we would be back together. Life would have been so different and I don't think I would be as happy as I am today.
Monday, March 4, 2013
February.24th.2013
I know that I am writing this a few days late, but I hand wrote it to write here I just now have the time to.
I don't want to get married. I don't believe in the ring, or the dress, or the wedding, or the title, or the marriage. I just think if you have to label something like that, then it's not real. I don't understand why saying and meaning forever is enough? I want to adopt kids. Maybe I will have one of my own, but I just want to adopt them.
He tells me he is going to marry me one day. He tells me he is going to convince me to marry him. That's not something you should have to convince someone of. Its either a yes or no question, and I've said no and will continue saying no. He says he can't live with anyone longer than 6 months without being married or he doesn't get his trust fund. He wants that money. He needs that money. He said if people have or adopt kids when they aren't married they aren't a family.
He said if he loves her and she loves him and they adopt kids they aren't a family.
How are they not a family. How does that love change? How is that even possible to say that.
So if I got pregnant right now, because we aren't married, and even if he stayed with me (which is doubtful) but if he did, we wouldn't be a family.
At this point. I don't know what to say or what to do.
I don't want to get married. I don't believe in the ring, or the dress, or the wedding, or the title, or the marriage. I just think if you have to label something like that, then it's not real. I don't understand why saying and meaning forever is enough? I want to adopt kids. Maybe I will have one of my own, but I just want to adopt them.
He tells me he is going to marry me one day. He tells me he is going to convince me to marry him. That's not something you should have to convince someone of. Its either a yes or no question, and I've said no and will continue saying no. He says he can't live with anyone longer than 6 months without being married or he doesn't get his trust fund. He wants that money. He needs that money. He said if people have or adopt kids when they aren't married they aren't a family.
He said if he loves her and she loves him and they adopt kids they aren't a family.
How are they not a family. How does that love change? How is that even possible to say that.
So if I got pregnant right now, because we aren't married, and even if he stayed with me (which is doubtful) but if he did, we wouldn't be a family.
At this point. I don't know what to say or what to do.
march.4th.2013
At what point in time does the person who is supposed to be standing up for you and keep you safe start? I don't need protection, I don't need a hero, but I also don't need him to be the one causing the pain like he is. I don't mean to be a downer, but I never wanted to be the person stuck like this. I feel like sometimes he doesn't see me and I feel like he'd stick up for anyone else over me, even my friends. Which I love, don't get me wrong. But it would be nice once in a while for the girl he says he loves, and the girl he says is his everything, it would be once to see him stand up for me once in a while. I don't want to be needy and I hate that I am being, but what if he just sees through me.
I don't know if I believe that word anymore. Love. I don't know what it means anymore. I feel like because he's over used it so much that it doesn't mean the same thing. He just says it, he doesn't ever show it. And the few times he does show it, like 5 minutes later he ruins that feeling for me.
I love stupid romanticy shit. I am a sucker for it. He doesn't do any of it. Nothing. I don't know if he really knows me. The one thing he has bought me, since we have been together, I hate it. It's not my taste at all. And its not like I am picky, everyone says I'm so easy to buy for because I love crazy, out of the ordinary things. And he buys me the most typical, cliche thing. Also, I hate roses. I think they are impersonal and dumb and over rated. But all he ever gets me are roses. I don't know. I just wished he knew me as well as he thought he did. He always tells me how I am feeling, instead of asking me and when he does ask me he tells me I'm lying.
Why does he need to have control over everything?
I don't know if I believe that word anymore. Love. I don't know what it means anymore. I feel like because he's over used it so much that it doesn't mean the same thing. He just says it, he doesn't ever show it. And the few times he does show it, like 5 minutes later he ruins that feeling for me.
I love stupid romanticy shit. I am a sucker for it. He doesn't do any of it. Nothing. I don't know if he really knows me. The one thing he has bought me, since we have been together, I hate it. It's not my taste at all. And its not like I am picky, everyone says I'm so easy to buy for because I love crazy, out of the ordinary things. And he buys me the most typical, cliche thing. Also, I hate roses. I think they are impersonal and dumb and over rated. But all he ever gets me are roses. I don't know. I just wished he knew me as well as he thought he did. He always tells me how I am feeling, instead of asking me and when he does ask me he tells me I'm lying.
Why does he need to have control over everything?
Monday, February 25, 2013
february.25.2013
Today is another day. It's another new start, another fresh mind set. Today is another day, the sun was shinning and people went on with their lives. It's weird to think that you pass so many other people each day all writing their own stories, all trying to make the best of every day. You don't know anything about it; what they like, what they dislike, who they think about, what they think about. But for a brief moment in time your stories intertwine, your paths cross. And if you were so courageous to begin to wonder what their life was like, or who they are, what they stand for, I wonder if you can help change someone's life.
What if that person you saw crying today needed help, what if they felt like they had no one. What if you could have saved them. What if for that brief passing you gave them a smile, or asked if they were okay.
Today is the day I'm going to change that. I have been on the verge of the end too many times to watch other people suffer. I am going to start randomly making stranger's days. I don't know how yet, whether I help them carry something or give them a compliment or just say hey, I feel like the smallest of things could help.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it doesn't hurt to try.
What if that person you saw crying today needed help, what if they felt like they had no one. What if you could have saved them. What if for that brief passing you gave them a smile, or asked if they were okay.
Today is the day I'm going to change that. I have been on the verge of the end too many times to watch other people suffer. I am going to start randomly making stranger's days. I don't know how yet, whether I help them carry something or give them a compliment or just say hey, I feel like the smallest of things could help.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it doesn't hurt to try.
Friday, February 22, 2013
February.22.2013
I guess it's been a while since I've written. Its not as though nothing has happened, in fact, I feel like within the past year of not writing I have completely lost myself, but also found myself.
But I don't plan on talking about that right now, I have a question for you.
At what point do we decide that love is enough and we should stop doing the things in life that we want to do? Well, not all the things, but I mean the outrageous ones that you promised yourself you would do before you die, but can't do them with your partner. At what point are those things forgotten? At what age should this start? Frankly, I feel as though I am too young to give up my freedom, but if it was the chose of having that freedom and losing the man I love, or having the man I love for the rest of my life but always having regrets.
I told myself a few years ago to never have regrets. And now at my young age I am already having them because I know being in love somethings aren't possible. I am also wondering what love really is. I thought love was making memories with the person that makes you the happiest in love, and one day maybe having kids with that man. Creating life, creating a family based off love. But at what point does love need to be titled? Need to have a ring, and a wedding, and money down the drain while your 2nd cousin twice removed hits on your new sister in law. Why isn't love enough. Why as a society do we need to label everything and make everything more complicated? People who get married do it for more than the reason of just being in love. Me. I just want to say forever to someone and have them know that I mean my whole heart for my whole life.
I just want things to be simple.
And I know they aren't, and I know life is complicated and blah blah blah. But I also know that we can chose on how complicated our lives turn out to be. We are in charge of our futures, our destiny relies on the choices we make and the person we turn out to be resembles the people we decide to associate our time with.
All I have written about in the past is looking up and staying positive. That is really a tough thing to do. It really is a day to day thing. Being medicated helped a lot. But I lost some of my feelings while trying to get better. So I have stopped taking my pills and am trying to figure my shit out on my own. Well, I'm not on my own, I have family and friends who love and support me. But I am the only one understanding what I am going through. Some day are harder than others, some places are tougher to experience than others, but I think I can do it. I think I have become strong enough that I can deal with whatever life hands my way. I know I'm going to be emotional, I'll have my ups and downs. But in the end I'll be okay.
I think at this point in my life, I gotta stop over thinking things. I gotta just live for the moment. I have to stop taking life so seriously.
But I don't plan on talking about that right now, I have a question for you.
At what point do we decide that love is enough and we should stop doing the things in life that we want to do? Well, not all the things, but I mean the outrageous ones that you promised yourself you would do before you die, but can't do them with your partner. At what point are those things forgotten? At what age should this start? Frankly, I feel as though I am too young to give up my freedom, but if it was the chose of having that freedom and losing the man I love, or having the man I love for the rest of my life but always having regrets.
I told myself a few years ago to never have regrets. And now at my young age I am already having them because I know being in love somethings aren't possible. I am also wondering what love really is. I thought love was making memories with the person that makes you the happiest in love, and one day maybe having kids with that man. Creating life, creating a family based off love. But at what point does love need to be titled? Need to have a ring, and a wedding, and money down the drain while your 2nd cousin twice removed hits on your new sister in law. Why isn't love enough. Why as a society do we need to label everything and make everything more complicated? People who get married do it for more than the reason of just being in love. Me. I just want to say forever to someone and have them know that I mean my whole heart for my whole life.
I just want things to be simple.
And I know they aren't, and I know life is complicated and blah blah blah. But I also know that we can chose on how complicated our lives turn out to be. We are in charge of our futures, our destiny relies on the choices we make and the person we turn out to be resembles the people we decide to associate our time with.
All I have written about in the past is looking up and staying positive. That is really a tough thing to do. It really is a day to day thing. Being medicated helped a lot. But I lost some of my feelings while trying to get better. So I have stopped taking my pills and am trying to figure my shit out on my own. Well, I'm not on my own, I have family and friends who love and support me. But I am the only one understanding what I am going through. Some day are harder than others, some places are tougher to experience than others, but I think I can do it. I think I have become strong enough that I can deal with whatever life hands my way. I know I'm going to be emotional, I'll have my ups and downs. But in the end I'll be okay.
I think at this point in my life, I gotta stop over thinking things. I gotta just live for the moment. I have to stop taking life so seriously.
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