It's amazing to think about how days go back, and people come and go but you can always look back on the memories you have created. People go from being such a huge part of your life to nothing at all. I want to thank every person for entering my life, and the ones that have stayed, well I owe you my life.
Looking back now, I took a lot of people for granted, I took my parents for granted. I didn't understand life yet, didn't understand reality. I was too hard on myself, took everything too personal. Worried about every single little mistake I made and thought it was the end of the world.
I've grown up. I've learnt to deal. I understand that people come in and out of your life when they are supposed to, except your family, they are there forever no matter what. I made it through the time where I couldn't see past surviving that one day. It's a weird feeling when you realize that you aren't the same person anymore, and once you realize that you will realize who you want to have in your life. The people you want to create memories with and the people you know will have you back when you need someone.
Growing up is weird.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Friday, April 5, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
March.12.2013
Today I accomplished a lot. I did a lot of good things, and I am happy with my life. I think our happiness comes from within ourselves and we shouldn't count on other people to make our happiness. We do need people in our lives that make us happy, but the root of our happiness shouldn't come from other people. What we do should make us happy, every experience we should take in and make it count. Life is short, each day only comes around once, so make it a day worth remembering.
Positive outlook, positive outcomes.
Positive outlook, positive outcomes.
Monday, March 11, 2013
March.11.2013
I think I've figured it out. I think I do this thing when things get good I try to screw them up. I'm just so used to being unhappy my emotions don't quite know how to handle it. Sometimes I get down on myself, and sometimes I push him away just because I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't understand how much I am trying to change, be better, do better. He's trying but I am not making it easy for him, I need to stop taking everything so personally. I need to understand he's not going to hurt me, he isn't going anywhere.
I love this kid. I do. He's good for me, good to me. We have our bumps in the road, but everyone does. Long distance isn't easy. No one said it was, but I know we are gonna get through it.
Its weird, the fact that we both have different lives, we go out with people that the other doesn't know and create memories that the other isn't going to be a part of. But we are young, we gotta live each day making memories, having fun. We are going to be together for many years to come, and we are going to be creating those memories for the rest of our lives. But I want to look back at my 20s and be like yea I lived my life, I was young, I partied, I met people I had fun. I don't want regrets.
This relationship is weird. I've never done anything like it before. I've never loved someone like this. 2 years ago I would have easily cheated on this guy many many times, that's just the person I was. I was scared, I was confused, I was hurt, people change. This guy has made me such a better person.
I am proud of myself. I actually love myself. I can go out with my (guy) friends and not worry about doing anything dumb with guys or guys hitting on me or whatever because they know me. I can go out, dance, drink and have a great night and come home and call my boyfriend without hiding anything. Long distance is hard. But I think this long distance-ness is going to make us stronger in the long run, its going to make the time we spend together more amazing.
I just need him to know I love him, and need him to know I'm not going anywhere. It's weird how things over the years change, and it's weird how everything happens for a reason. If I didn't break up with this kid in high school, I don't think years down the road we would be back together. Life would have been so different and I don't think I would be as happy as I am today.
I love this kid. I do. He's good for me, good to me. We have our bumps in the road, but everyone does. Long distance isn't easy. No one said it was, but I know we are gonna get through it.
Its weird, the fact that we both have different lives, we go out with people that the other doesn't know and create memories that the other isn't going to be a part of. But we are young, we gotta live each day making memories, having fun. We are going to be together for many years to come, and we are going to be creating those memories for the rest of our lives. But I want to look back at my 20s and be like yea I lived my life, I was young, I partied, I met people I had fun. I don't want regrets.
This relationship is weird. I've never done anything like it before. I've never loved someone like this. 2 years ago I would have easily cheated on this guy many many times, that's just the person I was. I was scared, I was confused, I was hurt, people change. This guy has made me such a better person.
I am proud of myself. I actually love myself. I can go out with my (guy) friends and not worry about doing anything dumb with guys or guys hitting on me or whatever because they know me. I can go out, dance, drink and have a great night and come home and call my boyfriend without hiding anything. Long distance is hard. But I think this long distance-ness is going to make us stronger in the long run, its going to make the time we spend together more amazing.
I just need him to know I love him, and need him to know I'm not going anywhere. It's weird how things over the years change, and it's weird how everything happens for a reason. If I didn't break up with this kid in high school, I don't think years down the road we would be back together. Life would have been so different and I don't think I would be as happy as I am today.
Monday, March 4, 2013
February.24th.2013
I know that I am writing this a few days late, but I hand wrote it to write here I just now have the time to.
I don't want to get married. I don't believe in the ring, or the dress, or the wedding, or the title, or the marriage. I just think if you have to label something like that, then it's not real. I don't understand why saying and meaning forever is enough? I want to adopt kids. Maybe I will have one of my own, but I just want to adopt them.
He tells me he is going to marry me one day. He tells me he is going to convince me to marry him. That's not something you should have to convince someone of. Its either a yes or no question, and I've said no and will continue saying no. He says he can't live with anyone longer than 6 months without being married or he doesn't get his trust fund. He wants that money. He needs that money. He said if people have or adopt kids when they aren't married they aren't a family.
He said if he loves her and she loves him and they adopt kids they aren't a family.
How are they not a family. How does that love change? How is that even possible to say that.
So if I got pregnant right now, because we aren't married, and even if he stayed with me (which is doubtful) but if he did, we wouldn't be a family.
At this point. I don't know what to say or what to do.
I don't want to get married. I don't believe in the ring, or the dress, or the wedding, or the title, or the marriage. I just think if you have to label something like that, then it's not real. I don't understand why saying and meaning forever is enough? I want to adopt kids. Maybe I will have one of my own, but I just want to adopt them.
He tells me he is going to marry me one day. He tells me he is going to convince me to marry him. That's not something you should have to convince someone of. Its either a yes or no question, and I've said no and will continue saying no. He says he can't live with anyone longer than 6 months without being married or he doesn't get his trust fund. He wants that money. He needs that money. He said if people have or adopt kids when they aren't married they aren't a family.
He said if he loves her and she loves him and they adopt kids they aren't a family.
How are they not a family. How does that love change? How is that even possible to say that.
So if I got pregnant right now, because we aren't married, and even if he stayed with me (which is doubtful) but if he did, we wouldn't be a family.
At this point. I don't know what to say or what to do.
march.4th.2013
At what point in time does the person who is supposed to be standing up for you and keep you safe start? I don't need protection, I don't need a hero, but I also don't need him to be the one causing the pain like he is. I don't mean to be a downer, but I never wanted to be the person stuck like this. I feel like sometimes he doesn't see me and I feel like he'd stick up for anyone else over me, even my friends. Which I love, don't get me wrong. But it would be nice once in a while for the girl he says he loves, and the girl he says is his everything, it would be once to see him stand up for me once in a while. I don't want to be needy and I hate that I am being, but what if he just sees through me.
I don't know if I believe that word anymore. Love. I don't know what it means anymore. I feel like because he's over used it so much that it doesn't mean the same thing. He just says it, he doesn't ever show it. And the few times he does show it, like 5 minutes later he ruins that feeling for me.
I love stupid romanticy shit. I am a sucker for it. He doesn't do any of it. Nothing. I don't know if he really knows me. The one thing he has bought me, since we have been together, I hate it. It's not my taste at all. And its not like I am picky, everyone says I'm so easy to buy for because I love crazy, out of the ordinary things. And he buys me the most typical, cliche thing. Also, I hate roses. I think they are impersonal and dumb and over rated. But all he ever gets me are roses. I don't know. I just wished he knew me as well as he thought he did. He always tells me how I am feeling, instead of asking me and when he does ask me he tells me I'm lying.
Why does he need to have control over everything?
I don't know if I believe that word anymore. Love. I don't know what it means anymore. I feel like because he's over used it so much that it doesn't mean the same thing. He just says it, he doesn't ever show it. And the few times he does show it, like 5 minutes later he ruins that feeling for me.
I love stupid romanticy shit. I am a sucker for it. He doesn't do any of it. Nothing. I don't know if he really knows me. The one thing he has bought me, since we have been together, I hate it. It's not my taste at all. And its not like I am picky, everyone says I'm so easy to buy for because I love crazy, out of the ordinary things. And he buys me the most typical, cliche thing. Also, I hate roses. I think they are impersonal and dumb and over rated. But all he ever gets me are roses. I don't know. I just wished he knew me as well as he thought he did. He always tells me how I am feeling, instead of asking me and when he does ask me he tells me I'm lying.
Why does he need to have control over everything?
Monday, February 25, 2013
february.25.2013
Today is another day. It's another new start, another fresh mind set. Today is another day, the sun was shinning and people went on with their lives. It's weird to think that you pass so many other people each day all writing their own stories, all trying to make the best of every day. You don't know anything about it; what they like, what they dislike, who they think about, what they think about. But for a brief moment in time your stories intertwine, your paths cross. And if you were so courageous to begin to wonder what their life was like, or who they are, what they stand for, I wonder if you can help change someone's life.
What if that person you saw crying today needed help, what if they felt like they had no one. What if you could have saved them. What if for that brief passing you gave them a smile, or asked if they were okay.
Today is the day I'm going to change that. I have been on the verge of the end too many times to watch other people suffer. I am going to start randomly making stranger's days. I don't know how yet, whether I help them carry something or give them a compliment or just say hey, I feel like the smallest of things could help.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it doesn't hurt to try.
What if that person you saw crying today needed help, what if they felt like they had no one. What if you could have saved them. What if for that brief passing you gave them a smile, or asked if they were okay.
Today is the day I'm going to change that. I have been on the verge of the end too many times to watch other people suffer. I am going to start randomly making stranger's days. I don't know how yet, whether I help them carry something or give them a compliment or just say hey, I feel like the smallest of things could help.
I know it doesn't seem like much, but it doesn't hurt to try.
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